Lists of Stuff

1. I did my longest triathlon of all time for which I was pretty impressed with myself.
2. Jake did a Half Ironman..which was twice as long as the long triathlon I was so proud of one week earlier..crap.
3. We ran all over Kansas like wild people.
4. Jake ran off with our only working computer to referee camp last week so I couldn't tell anyone anything about it...

So here it is in chronological order. This is going to be a long post because I am too stooopid at computers to find a better way to do it. I am also typing on the world's smallest computer as mine died. It's crazy. This tiny, little schmini only does world wide web activities..no spreadsheets, Word applications, or any other truly functional programs that I am not smart enough to use. Yep, this little thing is only built for fun. Unfortunately...I can't even type a letter unless I am e-mailing it to someone. Oh well. Who needs to send a letter when you have Facebook?

1. Festival of Flowers Triathlon- So what did I do for my birthday and anniversary weekend? Well, I didn't drink any beer, did eat a bunch of carbs, aired up my bike tires, put on some spandex and got up at 4:30 in the morning, ran a race, and went and ate my anniversary dinner at IHOP. Now, now, not everyone steal Jake's idea for a fantastic "Birthiversary Weekend".

The triathlon was here in Greenwood and twice as long as anything I had done to that point so I was very nervous. It's a pretty darn popular course for all the surrounding states so it was fun to see all the different folks. Everything went about as well as it could as I didn't freak out in the water, fall off my bike, or pass out on the run. It was hot like crazy. Jake and I both placed 3rd in our divisions. Not a normal anniversary activity, but it was a fun thing to share. One year before we had run our first 5K together on our anniversary. Quite the difference a year makes! We then went and had beers with some of our friends that organized the event at a bar on the lake...still all stinky from the race. So what is really delicious after a triathlon and hanging out at a bar? IHOP for sure!

I didn't get to revel in my "triathlon impressiveness" with myself for long because two days later we headed to KS so Jake could do a distance that was twice as far...crap. I am never "the most awesome" for long in this household.

2. Ironman Kansas- So why wouldn't you go camping in Lawrence one night while home for a week? Another one of Jake and Hilary's truly fantastic plans. We shipped a bunch of our camping gear ahead of us to my parents' house so we would not have to pack it and fly with it. We luckily rented a SUV so we could actually fit it all in the car...would have been ugly otherwise. Kelly and Justin Law get major thanks for coming along on the ridiculous adventure. Not sure if they are speaking to us again yet, but at least they got to spend quite a few really quality hours with me staring at people run around us in spandex. They were really big troopers through the whole event for sure.

There were all sorts of famous triathlon people at this race, so that was pretty exciting for Jake and I. Jake did a great job of trying to stay "fun" while getting ready for the race while we were hanging out with my family the previous few days, and I will say that I did a pretty good job of being "fun" by dragging around all of our camping crap, driving us all over the place, and taking lots of really unfortunate pictures with our camera that I don't know how to operate...and getting up at 3:30 in the morning. Jake loved the race, but I don't think it looks like fun. I will stick to my short races! On a side note, they dressed a really famous triathlete (Chrissie Wellington- the winner) up like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz when she crossed the finish line... That was re-enforcement of an unfortunate stereotype I fight everyday...

3. Running Around Kansas- Big thanks to everyone who made the time to see us as we ran through the state like crazy. We only slept in the same place two nights in a row. It was a lot of going for sure. All my sisters made it to town so it was a ton of fun. My aunt Martha and cousin Mary were great hostesses for us while we ate and slept. I got to go on a great run around areas I used to live and still hold a special place in my heart. I love Kansas City. Not sure I could ever live there again because it is just too big, but I sure love that place.

There were a few REALLY big thunderstorms while we were home. I had forgotten about how crazy those can be. I dragged Jake's half asleep rear end downstairs thinking we were both going to blow away. I LOVE BASEMENTS because we don't have them in South Carolina and there is no where to go when there is a tornado. I had no idea how much I missed them. I still haven't lived down dragging Jake to the basement yet because he thought I was being a weenie.

4. Jake Running with the Computer- We were only home two days before Jake took off again for "Referee Camp". He doesn't enjoy me calling it that. I am pretty sure it is just a bunch of old refs sitting around telling stories and being jackasses. He says they work and I guess I believe him! So he splits leaving me with a broken computer...dangit. I have managed to forget most of the good stories.. Oh well. Now I am caught up, and now that I have a computer again I can try and stay on top of it!

Reasons I Don't Swim in Lakes for Recreation

1. Alligators
2. Freshwater sharks
3. Giant man-eating fish
4. Pumps that will suck you in
5. Snakes
6. Lake water poisoning- or any number of other maladies seen only on the Discovery Health channel.

Jake has informed me that #1-5 are ridiculous, and #6 would not be a problem as long as I stop trying to drink the lake water while swimming. We practiced swimming in the lake yesterday and it went better. Ike practiced swimming too, and that was way funnier.

Jake deserves some sort of medal for being married to such a headcase...however I am pretty sure I deserve a medal at times for being married to him so we will call it even.

On a completely other note, I am currently watching the NCAA lacrosse tournament on this Saturday afternoon (while my husband went to watch the new terminator movie with another dude whose wife wouldn't go either). It is really interesting and fantastic sport. Baseball, football, soccer all mixed together. Wonderful.

Boo, Yeah, YEAH, YEAHHH!

The alarm went off at 4:30 yesterday morning dragging Jake and my weary hind ends out of our very warm bed. It would have been really nice to sleep some more, especially for Jake since he has just gotten back to G-wood after being gone 19 of the past 21 days. Yuck. But who could stay in bed when it is Clemson Triathlon Day? That would just be foolishness!

I was super excited to do this triathlon since they give out really cool shirts....hehehehe, no not really but maybe a little, but because we get to hang out with our really fun triathlon friend that lives by Clemson ("Crazy T" we will call her. She will love that.) and we had heard that this race course was pretty fun.

Crazy T is actually a very mild mannered, calm on the outside, well adjusted, mother of two cute little kids...who could be the second most competitive person I know. There is a switch that flips in her head at the beginning of a race and she gets super competitive. She would try to win anything she signed up for..or anything I sign up for. She was one of the folks we met in Asheville at our first triathlon last year and now we drag each other on fun adventures and try to beat one another at races. I kick the poop out of her on the bike, then she passes me on the run to beat me at the tail end of the race usually. AAARRGGHH. Crazy T is an awesome runner but develops the craziest wheeze you have ever heard in your life when she is running. I can hear her catching me from about 50 feet back. I always feel like she maybe dying and need CPR, but then she passes me. Harumph. We have been on a number of ridiculous undertakings together: she was the person behind me on the bike during my run in with Buddy (see last post) and the person who kept me from drowning during the wetsuit incident. She and Jake take turns talking me out of quitting triathlon right before each race, when I always think it may actually be a better idea if I sit in the car or go pick up breakfast for everyone and meet them at the finish instead of actually competing myself. Crazy T only has time to train over her lunch time and a little on the weekends and still manages to be pretty dang good.

Anyway, the reason she is getting so much explanation is that T is the only reason I finished the Clemson triathlon. My open water swimming (lake) is not good. I am not exaggerating. See prior post about wetsuit as an example. During my pre-race freak out, she and Jake were telling me I would be fine, etc but left out the fact that it would be the furthest open water swim I had ever done (350 meters longer)...or the longest swim of ANY sort I have ever done. T and I are in the same wave so we get to stand on the beach and watch Jake go together. During that time we are watching people get hauled back to shore by the kayaks when they decide they cannot complete the swim (so they quit the swim and forfeit the rest of the race). T starts talking about how that is ridiculous and weak minded it is to quit, and how she would brutally pummel and quit being friends with anyone she knew that ever quit during the swim (I know I am exaggerating, but that is what my mind heard).

BOO-So we waded out into the opaque water and started our swim. T has been working on hers and is super fast in the water now. Pretty soon I had lost her and was on my own. I was doing okay, maybe a little anxious but keeping it together when I got run over by another swimmer. It was not enjoyable and I swallowed a bunch of lake water and did the choking thing, and then I freaked out a little. I was at least 200 meters straight off of the shore and seriously thinking about getting one of those guys in the kayak to come and drag me back in when T's verbal beach berating started ringing in my water filled ears. I decided that I could get help if I needed it, but if I was wanting to ride my bike (my favorite part) I would need to finish the damn swim. So, it ended up that I breast stroked most of the swim with my head out of the water and goggles on my forehead, occasionally throwing some freestyle in when I didn't feel like I was drowning and feeling about a millisecond away from quitting. I have never been happier to feel ankle deep mud in my life when I hit the shore. Primary problem with my swimming trainwreck is that swimming the breast stroke with your head out of water (not to mention the breast stroke) is not fast and uses up your legs big time, which makes the rest of the race a lot harder. My bike and run would be twice as hard as if I had managed to swim a consistent, efficient freestyle the whole way. Amazingly enough, I beat some of the people that were in my wave (20 minutes for 750 m swim with uphill run at the end). Holy crap. In retrospect, I can't decide if I gave up or overcame. I feel like I let my mind get the best of me, but I was definitely NOT prepared for the swim from a training perspective anyway so maybe I overcame a little too...Let's call it a wash.

Yeah- Now I have to fly on the bike because I am determined to make up time. I about keeled over on the bike several times initially trying to get myself back together. My heart rate was really high, my legs were screaming, and there were a couple really nasty hills right off of the bat. I pulled it together, caught a bunch of people and finally was enjoying the scenery by the end. I never caught T though. So I knew she was going to beat me this one. Yuck. I biked the 11 miles in 36 minutes (not bad) and was ready for the run.

YEAH-The run is usually the worst for me when we are doing pool swims. However, since I tried to drown in the lake I decided the run was no longer my worst activity! The run was nasty because it was downhill initially (which was nice) but then had a SICK uphill to get to the entrance to a trail we ran on. I was not looking at my watch at all after the swim figuring it was going to make me nuts the whole time if I knew how far off pace I had gotten so I just ran as hard as I could. My major goal this year was to get under 30 minutes in the 5K, but with the swim, having to mash it out on the bike to catch up, and nasty run, I figured that was over for this particular tri as well. The race actually was fun. I ended up in a back and forth with another girl I usually compete with from my division. I had beaten her out of placing several times and she was tired of it, so she kept passing me. We chit chatted for a minute before the final time she passed me, and she was talking about how she thought she and I were in it for 2nd and 3rd in our division. I had already decided there would be no way I was placing at this one and would be lucky just to finish...so all the sudden I got a little excited. I didn't know if I would have the gas left in my legs to pass her back at the end, so I just kept her close. I also got passed by another g-wood resident who I see at a lot of tri events. She is 53 but in great shape, and we go back and forth as well beating one another, so I had quite a bit going on at this point! I decided I probably can't catch my g-wood pal, but I am going to get the other girl. I waited until we got within 50 yards of the finish, turned on what was left, passed my division competition and almost caught my g-wood competition. My g-wood friend is great. She immediately starts yelling at me about how I could have caught her if I had tried a little harder. It was funny.

YEAH!- So I ended up getting second in my division again! Better yet, Jake was checking all of the actual times and saw that I ran under 30 minutes for my 5K! Yeah, hurrah! Pretty cool considering how not well the day started out! I guess I would consider it overcoming in the swim as I really had to get past my mind in the bike and run with way higher effforts and heartrates that I am used to and was able to achieve a couple cool things. The first place girl in my division (who is at all the races I am) beat my by 5 minutes...that's a lot, but we will see as the season goes on. Big thanks to my friend for guilting me into finishing the swim...weird motivation, probably not what they tell you to do in a book, but it worked well enough!

Always Behind

I have started to post 3 separate times and never finished a one because I have no attention span and spend all of my free time running around like crazy for no reason. Since it has been a while there will be bullet points, short stories and the run on sentences I seem to love so much!

1. Tornadoes- It has been Kansas-riffic here with a little South Carolina twist. Last week we had sirens FOUR days in a row, which was completed with the cherry on the top of a midnight siren. That's enough to make you poop your footy pajamas as you are alone and fumbling for the tv remote in the pitch black to figure out if you are really going to die in your second story apartment or not. I don't know why they waste money on sirens because no one has a damn basement to go to anyway, and no one from Greenwood appears very worried about the tornado situation. The sirens are also accompanied by a bizarro voice explaining what they are and why they are going off. It is comical if it wasn't terrifying. They definitely didn't send the weather people to Merle Teller's storm chaser school because they have a super itchy trigger finger with the siren. They will sound the siren even if the tornado is 20 miles away and moving AWAY from Greenwood. It's sad because our traveling therapists from Massachusetts are totally freaked out. They have only had one tornado in their lifetime and it wiped out a whole town...needless to say they get a little jumpy when they hear thunder. I am the resident expert in tornadoes here since I am from Kansas so that is pretty funny. I hate to tell them that this is a little much even for me.

2. Buddy- "Buddy" is the name of a bulldog that tried to pull me off of my bicycle while I was minding my own business and trying to eat a granola bar a few weeks ago. We were riding in the foothills near the NC border on a really great little bike ride, zipping along when we passed some folks working in their yard. All the sudden out of nowhere this little crumbsnatcher starts to chase me and tries to bite my foot (which is snapped into the pedal and can't move..) so I assume my very best "pack leader/Cesar Milan" voice from the Dog Whisperer and start yelling "No Buddy No!" just using "Buddy" as a generic dog name while I tried to keep my feet away from his grimy little jaws. Turns out the little bastards name WAS Buddy in real life because that is what the obese lady was yelling as she was chasing the Buddy/Hilary/bike/deathtrain down the road. I couldn't help myself and turned around and yelled "You have got to be f'ing kidding me that your dog's name is Buddy" while the little turd was still snapping at my pedal. At which point my friend behind me almost wrecked her bike of laughter. Not sure how the story transferred from being there into writing, but it was pretty funny to watch I was told.

3. Wetsuits are for Fools- I attempted to swim in a wetsuit last week. It was a disaster. The idea would be that it gives you a little more buoyancy and keeps you warm while you are swimming out in the lakes for triathlons. You can only wear them if it's below 74 degrees in the water and they take a little longer to take off, but I have been told it is worth it.

Getting the thing on is totally ridiculous. There is apparently a whole YouTube video devoted to how to properly put on a wetsuit. It take a video to figure it out for Pete's sake. It's not an attractive process either. I tried to tell Jake that I thought mine was too small when I held it up and it looked like it would fit one of the Olsen twins, but he said it was supposed to be tight. There is all sorts of trying to cram your butt into it and then all sorts of crotch pulling to try and get the thing where it goes...like trying to put 15 pounds of stuff into a 10 pound sack. Later, after the whole fiasco was over with, Jake decided that it was probably a size too small which would explain most of the problem. Lucky I married him since he is so smart.

Swimming in the lake is scary. I had only done it one time before, and it was during a race, so I really didn't think about it at the time. You can always touch the bottom in the pool and take a break whenever you want. During the race there is always a kayak nearby you can grab onto if you need to get your life together. Without it, I can see how people can panic and drown. I managed to be wearing a too small wetsuit while attempting to swim, which made it hard to breathe and caused a minor panic attack in the lake. I then had to unzip the wetsuit and swim with it half on and half off back to shore. I was really not thrilled with the situation. PS: Unzipping the wetsuit completely defeats the buoyancy situation and it like swimming with a 10 pound sack of nails around your waist...there was a lot of thrashing and swearing. We finally got out and I poured the gallon of water, fish and turtles out of my wetsuit while everyone else has just a tiny trickle coming out of theirs. Magicalness of Hilary strikes again.

THE big glass bowl.

I have been coveting a large, glass bowl that usually lives in cardiac rehab downstairs. Those of you know me well and know my love of all things for entertaining and cooking are not surprised by my love for an object like this, however this is not just a normal clunky bowl. This particular bowl goes to live in the department that wins the quarterly customer satisfaction award. We send out a survey to a randomly selected group of patients and get compared to all the other outpatient departments that the hospital has. We keep getting really great scores but are edged out repeatedly by cardiac rehab.

It makes me nuts that we keep losing because the patients in cardiac rehab have just had a near death experience, are generally just happy to be alive, will do ANYTHING to avoid having another heart attack, and are just there to exercise in a pain-free process, drink coffee with their pals(because almost all of them are retired) and never get kicked to the curb because they can just keep coming forever as long as they pay $30 a month. My patients are generally in pain, have not had a life altering experience (read: not nearly as impressed with me and laid back in their approach) and think I have some sort of a magic wand that should heal them instead of hard work, sweat, swearing, and occasionally blood. They either get better super fast or stop getting better all together at which point we have to kick them out against their will generally. I wonder who would get the better satisfaction scores?

I digress. Needless to say the bowl has been something I have wanted since setting foot in Self Regional Healthcare nearly 2 years ago. I had basically given up hope and it had become a running joke between my boss and myself. We had discussed stealing it from cardiac rehab and holding it for ransom, actually beating up the cardiac rehab patients while dressed like cardiac rehab employees, and keying cars in the cardiac rehab parking lot...none seemed like a good, adult way of handling the situation. Then all the sudden last week I get a text from my boss that says "we won the bowl". Any normal person would find that odd, but it was the lilting voice of sweet triumph and "nanny nanny boo boo".

The bowl is usually presented at a big, quarterly meeting of all the managers and administration but as luck would have it(or wouldn't have it), they called off the meeting due to our layoffs and basically just chucked the bowl at my boss at the administration meeting. She told them we were going to take it to the local bar and fill it with beer...like the Stanley Cup. Everyone chuckled at how funny we were, but they don't get what we have been through to get the bowl. I won't get into all of it, but it has been a "pull yourself up by the bootstrap and dust off because there is a lot more shit to do before the sun goes down" kind of situation for sometime for us and there really isn't any light yet. This comes at a great time for us and I am really happy for everyone that works with me because it was a super effort under non-ideal circumstances.

So just know that late one evening, when the moon is high in the South Carolina sky, there is a high possibility that the shiny bowl may go missing ...and a high possibility there might be an incognito gathering at the Worcester's with the world's biggest margarita and a whole crap ton of bendy straws!

Holy Freaking Tornado Batman...

There was tornado craziness last weekend. Friday night there were huge storms. There were a bunch of us at the second floor apartment dying Easter eggs when the sirens started going off. I was the only one who knew anything about tornados so I became the expert. It was interesting to see people from the Northeast react/freak out completely at something that was a part of my normal life growing up.

I went to work the next day and the hospital got a TON of damage. No damage to the structure, but we had some HUGE trees that got uprooted. That was something I hadn't seen before. THe root balls were huge and the trees were just shoved over. I took some pics with my phone and will try to put them on here so you can see. Bizarre that I have had just as many close brushes with tornados here in the past 2 years as I would have at home...

PS: Tree in above photo is the root ball I am fake pushing over below..

Triathlon Season Officially On!

So this is the first installment of the summer triathlon season. Yep, Jake and I will be back out there punishing ourselves in the name of sport and fitness for fun. This season's first tri for Jake and myself was right in our backyard...literally. It was kind of an entire weekend deal as there was a kid's tri on Saturday that Jake and I volunteered with and then we competed today.

The kid's tri was totally hysterical. It was for ages 4-12 of kids and there were everything from kids as big as me to tiny bikes with flames and training wheels. It was set up exactly like a "big person tri", but the bikes couldn't reach the rack and a couple of them couldn't tie their own shoes. They swam two lengths of the pool, changed their clothes, rode their bike for 3 miles, then ran a mile. It was the funniest thing ever. The littlest ones were the best because they were totally clueless. The meat of my job was to make sure everyone got their shoes on, helmet on frontwards, pointed their bike the right direction and then made it back to go out for the run. Those little guys were totally disoriented when coming out of the pool. I stopped one kid from taking off on his bike without a helmet, shoes, or a shirt. I was also informed by a four year old that "I can do it myself" as he refused help and jammed his foot into his socks backwards for the fifth time. His parents totally cracked up and said that was average behavior. My other favorite "average kid behavior" came after the tri. The kid ran across the finish line, snarfed down 2 bananas an orange and a whole thing of gatorade then started running around like crazy. His mom said "how about you come sit down for a sec?" The kid said that he was fine, kept running around, then promptly vomited copiously everywhere. Did I mention this one had a mohawk and was 12... Neat.

The adult tri was this morning. Jake and I were able to ride our bikes to the start which was fun. I also got to use my new and fantastically awesome backpack and red flashing "don't hit me light". DORK O RIFFIC! I also had some great new goggles and had added earplugs to the repetorie to keep the water out of my ears and I was set! Let the fun begin. HEY-O!

The swim was not too bad. It was short which is always good, but it was cold outside of the pool for sure when we got out. They chlorinate the SNOT out of the YMCA pool so I smelled like I was sweating bleach during the bike and run. I was out of the pool in just over 6 minutes which was what I wanted. The bike was COLD...maybe becasue I was wearing a tank top and bike shorts that were wet and it was 53 degrees outside...and I was riding a bike 18 mph. I got through that in around 41 minutes. The run was my best EVER in a triathlon at 30 minutes and 9 seconds...crappy 9 seconds. All together my time was 1:21.09. It was fun because that was good enough for 2nd place in my age group! Yeah! The bag that was the prize is pretty non-crappy too so that is fun.

The best part is that we then went to IHOP for breakfast. It is kind of a tradition with Jake and I...a really delicious one. Tonight we are going to go see a movie and dinner with some pals. Not a bad weekend!

March in the Rearview Mirror

So March got away from me pretty badly. So here is my attempt to update.

Work got complicated this month. The economy slowing down was rough on this area, which tends to struggle a little anyway. We ended up needing to layoff around 200 people. I didn't have to lay off anyone that works directly for me, but we are down 3 support staff which is going to be a real challenge. They did a great job taking care of odds and ends for us that were really time consuming activities (that I hate) like faxing, filing, and calling offices. We are going to have to make some changes and be more efficient (a word I am starting to hate) with our time, but I know it won't adversely effect our patients. Just another good life challenge.

My self defense class is wrapping up this next week and it has been a really fun experience. I will just suggest that no one sneaks up on me anymore...unless you want to see what $75 buys you in the way of self defense education. Which leads me to the story about how I got my first black eye. Yep, I was a 30 year old, professional woman with a purple eye that made me resemble "Sloth" from the Goonies movie. My patients loved it. They love the idea of me undergoing any sort of pain or torture. They really feel like it is the their way of vicariously getting their revenge on me through the universe for the 90 bar squats I made them do the day before. Anyway, I was wrestling Jake for the clicker to the TV (yes, wrestling because Jake is smarter than me with words and he always wins the argument regardless of the topic) and hearkened back to my self defense training and jabbed him in the ribs something serious, at which point he yanked his head back and nailed me right in the right eye. It was not awesome...or it was. Depends on what team you are cheering for.

Ike was sporting some sort of rash on his stomach for the past week or two so I had Jake take him to the vet. I thought he was just allergic to something so I had been feeding him Benedryll. But the Benedryll wasn't phasing it. Turns out the "rash" was actually a staph infection on his stomach and we were just bad pet owners. The staph wasn't just staph though. The "rash" was recurrent from every time he went to the dog camp when we went out of town. So the vet runs a thyroid test and sees that he actually has hypothyroidism that is repressing his immune system allowing him to pick up all sort of bacteria that is usually not harmful. The vet assured us that the anti-biotic will clear up the rash, and that the thyroxine will manage his thyroid levels..and should help "perk him up". Apparently he has been lethargic. That scares me. So now I have to feed him four pills a day for the next two weeks...which shouldn't be a big deal but now he is suddenly very observant. He can spot a lump in a piece of cheese, a glimmer of blue in a chunk of peanut butter and is heavily scrutinizing everything that is going into his mouth for the first time in his life. Someone told me to just shove it in his mouth, hold his mouth closed and blow in his face...that would lead to my next black eye very quickly. Whoever came up with that idea does not have an 85 pound dog that is overly paranoid and freakishly strong.

So there is my little update. I am headed over to a co-workers to help her put her garden together. I enjoy a little manual labor when I can start and quit whenever I want. Awesome!

Southern Snow

It snowed last Sunday. A lot. Like giant, wet flakes. Everyone here was really keyed up and excited. Not me. I was mad. I didn't move this far away from Kansas to have it snow on March 1st. Seriously.

An Ode to "Fake Patty's Day"

I suppose an "ode" is actually a poem. I stink at poetry but still wanted the title to have "ode" in it, so this is what you are stuck with.
One of the things I really miss about Manhattan is "Fake Patrick's Day" which is occurring this weekend. It is a manufactured holiday that is frivolous, but still a good time (much like Valentine's Day..c'mon ladies, you know it is) . It was thrown together by the Aggieville bar mafia 5-10 years ago as the very liquor lucrative St. Patrick's Day was falling on Spring Break and stealing away all of their profits...hmm, how can they solve this. "Oh, let's just move everything for St. Patrick's Day up a weekend. Maybe no one will notice." We noticed...and we thought it was a great idea. There is a parade, a fun run and everyone wears green. You would seriously thinks it was St. Patty's Day for real, but the best part is that you get to celebrate again the next weekend if you are around Manhattan and didn't go anywhere for Spring Break...or you are an adult. Manhattan is a magical place.
Although Fake St. Patty's Day has an evil side too. Your husband can be out of town, you can spend hours in the Loo (totally unacceptable for an adult) drinking green beer, get take out from Texas Star and eat it in your neighbor's yard on the way home after "taking a nap" in their yard. That's just hypothetical... Good news is that you get a re-do the next weekend if you screwed it up. Life needs more days like that. Fact.

"You Can't Go Back For The Eyeballs.."

So I am taking Self Defense. It is the most educational and fantastic thing I have ever done for myself. It has been a really empowering to learn how to get out of grips, kick people in the knee in the proper way to ruin their patellar tendon, and elbow them in the head/neck in a way to disable them so that you can escape...and last but not least, gouge out their eyes. I am not kidding. However, I was told that we are only allowed to use "reasonable" force on our attacker. The teacher actually said that we cannot beat the ever loving crap out of the attacker and then go back and gouge out their eyes...like someone has done that...well, actually it does mean that someone has done that or their wouldn't be a warning. We also practiced calling the police and telling them our name, that we were in fear for our lives, and that we may need a lawyer. It was a lot.

Initially I didn't really think I would learn that much. I was totally wrong. A bunch of us go from work to Self Defense and have accidentally kicked the crap out of one another repeatedly. Bruises, joints popping, throat jabbing is just another day at the office over lunch after my peanut butter sandwich.

Today was fun because we got a coupon for mace from a hunting store (they don't sell it at WalMart anymore) and instructions on how to get a concealed weapons permit. Homework is fun.

Full Schedule

I left home on Friday morning at 4 a.m. and got back home last night at 12:30 from Colorado. It was some crazy business but tons of fun. I am totally tired but it was an awesome time.

There should be a showering requirement when you buy a plane ticket. I sat by perfectly normal people that just stunk like BO craziness on the two long lengths of my flight. It was intense. I connected through Detroit. The airport was surprisingly nice. I thought "maybe Detroit gets a bad rap", but was promptly informed by other people I traveled with that were from Detroit that the city earns every bad stigma that it has garnered. The new city slogan could be "Detroit, it is as bad as you think".

I got to Denver on Friday morning and Jake and I headed downtown. It's a really interesting place with neat mix of work/shopping/restaurants. You have to keep your head on a swivel because there are buses and trains driving all over the place like crazy. After we checked out LoDo we headed to Fort Collins to meet up with Jake's sister, her boyfriend, Jake's business partner-person, and his wife. It was great to catch up with everyone! I was totally wiped out.

We got up early the next morning and headed to the slopes. The traffic was super nasty but it was worth it to get to the mountain. It was busy but tons of fun. I had a hard time getting going on the skis as everyone warned me a million times to "not break a leg" in SC before I left. I never heard that in KS. Not sure if more South Carolinians break their leg skiing than people from other states, but I was seriously paranoid by Saturday. I was a total wiener. Skiing like a wiener is a lot of hard work. My hips were tired and my calves were on FIRE by the end of the day. I managed not to fall by completely wearing myself out. Jake and I went to a really cool pizza place and couldn't even manage to have a conversation with one another at 7:30 at night because we were so exhausted.

The second day was SO MUCH BETTER. It did help that Jake and I slept for 12 hours on Saturday night. We skied around in the trees and Jake had some awesome wipeouts. It was exhausting for sure. My only wipe out (and the worst wipe out of the weekend) was when I was trying to come to a stop next to Jake on a particularly steep part of the mountain...truth be known, I was actually initially trying to spray him with snow but then realized that I couldn't stop. Poor Jake was under the impression I would stop too....until I took him out at the boots and we landed in a pile of skis and elbows on the side of the hill. It was hysterical.

Ft. Collins was neat. We weren't there very long but it was cool to see. There is a fun progressive/college atmosphere there. It is nice to see where Jake spends some of his time when he is not here. His partner and his family are awesome so it is nice that he has great people to support him.

Flew home late last night. It was great to ship home all of my winter stuff and step off the plane into 54 degrees at 11p.m. I couldn't decide what was better, the skiing or the warmth!

Couch-a-riffic

We got the best couch in the world last week. Not that our other nasty, strange colored, cushion with dog chewed corner that was too uncomforable for words wasn't worth keeping.. It is an indisputable fact that this couch is better. It was on sale, it is the same color as Ike and could be the most fantastic nap couch I have ever been a part of. Yes, even better than the Toll House leather couches of nap fantasticness. If I had any knowledge of how to take a picture of it and post it on here I would. You would all see it wonderfullness even through the internet. No idea how happy a piece of furniture could make me!

So that is what the inside of your toe smells like if it is on fire..

My life is uneventful and fantastically mundane with the exception of my one arch enemy, my right big toenail. I know it does not seem like a formidable foe, but it certainly has been a challenge to the kingdom of "WorkoutLand"...Good god. Anyway, it was time for what has become my annual ingrown toenail surgery when I suggested to my trusty doctor that maybe we just remove the WHOLE toenail just to avoid doing this yearly song and dance. He said "we can if you want to, but look at mine first". He then produced the world's ugliest non-toe nailed toe I have ever seen. Most of the toenail was gone, but two little nubbin toenails were growing on either side of a gigantic crater where the rest of the toenail once was...I actually gasped out loud. Holy Crap. I have seen "nursing home toenail" and this was 15 times worse. He then qualified it by saying, "well he didn't do the best job, but it won't leave much for you to paint". I then pictured seeing my sisters' faces when I show up in the summer wearing sandals (which are really the only shoes I can wear since they don't make size 11.5 in "cute" closed toed shoes) and either A.) painting the crater where the toenail used to reside or B.) wearing a press on toenail..never would work, or C.) saying forget it and going Au Natural with my nasty bi-coastal evil nubbin toenail(S)..they would all freak. I did actually picture their faces and laughed out loud. I don't think the toe-nailless one would look okay even if you airbrushed the Mona Lisa on it and be-dazzled it.

So we carried on with the next best thing. Ablation of the nail bed. Yikes. I have had this freaking menace toenail gouged out of my foot repeatedly and the nail bed scorched with q-tips covered in Phenol that should have killed the entire nail but didn't even phase my prolifically growing toenail. Nothing has worked, so it was time to break out the big guns. No more screwing around. Oh no, this time we were going to cut out the offending party and then stick a electric cauterizing tip down the hole in my foot and actually burn up the nail bed. The nuttiest part is that this was the "better option" and I thanked him for it. All I could envision was my sisters' faces of despair if I went the nubbin toenail route...so I had to try.

I love this doctor. He gets totally excited about anything and will do anything for you. You can show up at his house at midnight if your nose gets broken (it must be set in a hour to avoid surgery..geez), page him in the middle of a run and he will turn right around in his tracks to go back to the hospital, he will do your yearly gynecological visit, burn off a wart or spay your cat...maybe not in that order, but totally not kidding. He apologized during the worst part which were the one million (or two) shots I got in my big toe and complimented me about how tough I must be to have tolerated my terribly evil toenail. He even save the piece he pulled out of my foot. I think it looks a little like Abe Lincoln as it sits on my coffee table ready to gross out my co-workers in the morning. Then he slapped a giant pad on the outside of my leg (ground for the electricity it turns out) and turned up the voltage on some sort of machine and went to work "ablating" my toenail bed.

"Ablating" must come from the French word for "on fire from the inside" because I knew my toe was numb, but it was definitely HOT inside my skin, and I could smell my toe burning..but it didn't really hurt in a normal way. I will tell you that it is not for the faint at heart. Now, I did watch the whole thing with morbid curiosity so that might have helped if I hadn't watched the smoke pour out of my toe....hehehe, there wasn't actual smoke. Meanwhile the good doctor is telling me some story about the time he was doing a vasectomy with the same sort of a tool...and ...I didn't hear the rest because that sounds like a worse idea that sticking the super-electric needle into an open toe nail wound.

So here I sit at home feeling pathetic with my big toe all wrapped up, no exercise for this week and a husband with a boarding pass for a 7 a.m flight tomorrow who is no Florence Nightingale because he just got home from China... and the smell of my burning toenail singed in my nostrils..

So there you go...

Jake has been traveling quite a bit lately so there have been funny things I have noticed:

1. Jake makes a lot of laundry- I need to buy more underpants and work shirts so that I can have enough to make a full load. I did 2 loads that were 1/3 full. No good...although now that I think of it, less folding and I actually know where everything goes...hmmm

2. Jake makes a lot of dishes- I have had to run a half load lately because I used up all my cereal bowls and coffee mugs. But, Jake is also in charge of putting away the dishes and is quite good at it.

3. Jake eats a lot of food- I made entirely too much spaghetti...like I used up all my Tupperware to store it. There is usually only one little tub of leftovers. I will never eat all of this. What is the mailing address for the starving African children?

4. Jake is great with the remote- Unless there is actually nothing on for real all of the sudden. He always finds something good...or at least watch-able.

4b. Jake is the only one who knows how all of our remote controls work- Criminy. Seriously? I am staring at 5 remotes. Not one of them makes someone come and bring me a snack.

5. I am a terrible relaxer..or Jake is an excellent relaxer- He is the only reason I relax. He is the Master Relaxer, and it is contagious. I am a total nutcase by myself. I will make dust on concrete. I plan how to relax....

This is all probably why I miss him so much when he is gone. Not enough dishes or laundry, nothing on TV (not that I can run the clicker anyway), and I just run around like an idiot until I fall over.

So there you go.